woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
