the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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