Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
