dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize