if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
