We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
