I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
