I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
