forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
