Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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