My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
