Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Less talking, more tequila
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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