The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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