When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize