Betty ford says i'm here all night
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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