Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize