he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
