when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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