Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
