Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
