i just wanna soil my oats bro
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
