Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
