I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
