It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize