u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize