Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
