And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize