so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
