My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
