does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
