Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
