I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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