I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
