If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
