I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
