She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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