the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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