i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
