splinters make it hard to masturbate
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
