so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
