Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
