After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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