I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
