drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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