dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
