Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
