just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
