My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
