Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
