Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
