I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize