the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
