Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
