I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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